Illustration by Lola Fleming
I’m texting this guy but I don’t think anything is going to come out of it, I feel bad because I haven’t given him a chance because of the pandemic but I don’t know how to stop talking to him?
Alice: Okay, I think you need to figure out whether it’s the pandemic that is motivating you to completely write him off, or whether you think that you wouldn’t be into him even if circumstances were different.
If it’s the first, then maybe make more of a conscious effort to give him a chance. Everyone needs people to talk to right now, even if it’s just small-talk. There’s no reason why you can’t keep a casual conversation going over the next few weeks and see what comes of it. Who knows? You may come to like him more than you initially expected to. Then, when things become a bit more normal, you could meet up and see where things go.
Chloe: If you’re the type of person who doesn’t enjoy texting, maybe try voice or video calling. Just make sure both you and he feel comfortable with it!
Alice: If you know that you’re not into him, and it’s not just the pandemic speaking, then I’d recommend simply being honest with him.
Chloe: No one can blame you for not being attracted to someone and you don’t have any obligation to talk to someone if you don’t think the relationship is going anywhere.
Alice: Break the news kindly, but clearly. Don’t lead him on, because it will only make things worse and more difficult for both of you.
Editorial Team: Best of luck with whatever you decide.
What’s your opinion on friends with benefits?
Chloe: Friends with benefits can be a tricky one. In my opinion, these relationships can be a mature arrangement that comes from a place of immaturity. What I mean by this is that sometimes when people believe that they don’t want commitment, they tend to rush into a ‘friends with benefits’ kind of scenario rather than set concrete boundaries in a relationship. There are some cases where these relationships don’t come from an immature place and they can work, but it is very conditional on the fact that there are very honest and open lines of communication about what both people want and expect from the relationship and that these are in place from the start.
Alice: I agree that communication is key for this type of relationship. Both parties need to communicate when forging their friends with benefits agreement, and, as things progress. Communication is particularly key if someone senses that their feelings have changed. However, voicing these feelings can be difficult – especially if you believe that the other person feels something entirely different, or, if you sense it may bring the friends with benefits relationship to a close. I think you need to consider how you might feel in this situation, because introducing sexual activity to a previously platonic relationship will inevitably change the dynamic between you and your friend. These changes aren’t necessarily bad, but I would recommend considering how you would feel in a variety of scenarios which could stem from a friends with benefits agreement.
Editorial Team: If both you and your friend know that friends with benefits is something you really want, then go ahead, and have fun. Just please proceed with caution.
Do you think dreams you have where you cheat on your partner mean anything? Especially explicit ones?
Chloe: I think it depends what you mean when you question whether they ‘mean anything’. If you may be worrying that your dreams mean there are some underlying unfaithful thoughts in your head, I really don’t think there is cause for concern. In my opinion, it’s more likely that they ‘mean’ that your brain is creating some scenario based on random thoughts and imagery.
If you’re not having conscious thoughts about cheating on your partner, these dreams probably mean nothing. Now I may just have this cynical take because my dreams have such an ‘anything goes’ theme to them that if I tried to assign meaning to them, I might come to some horrible conclusions.
If you are, however, having thoughts about cheating on your partner, then maybe there is a deeper meaning behind your dreams. But, it all really depends on you and your circumstances as to whether this is true.
Alice: I completely agree. I’ve done a bit of research on cheating dreams. Lauri Loewenberg (a dream analyst) and Aimee Barr (a psychotherapist) state that cheating dreams can easily symbolise something other than the manifest image. For example, they might represent guilt over something you may/may not have done; or, you may dream-cheat with someone who you feel embodies a characteristic which your partner lacks.
Lowenberg and Barr also suggest that you should take time to evaluate your relationship if your cheating dreams reflect action which you have actually considered taking in real life. I would particularly encourage this if you recognise the person you’re cheating with in your dreams – especially if they are someone that you are attracted to, or consider more attractive than your partner.
I’m 20 and I’ve never had a proper relationship, is that normal?
Alice: So completely normal! I know so many people for whom this is the case. Dating and relationships are things that people should take at their own pace. Don’t feel as if there’s certain milestones you should hit by the time you reach a certain age. If you haven’t been and/or currently aren’t ready for a relationship, or you haven’t met the right person yet, then don’t worry. A healthy relationship shouldn’t be predicated by need or social pressures, but by mutual desire.
If you are looking to date, then you could try dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble.
Chloe: But, it’s worth noting that modern dating methods have introduced a surge in more casual relationships. Many people don’t experience what is typically considered a ‘proper’ relationship, even if they are frequently going out on dates.
Alice: That doesn’t mean that you won’t find a ‘proper’ relationship using these apps – many people do. However, if casual dating really doesn’t appeal to you, then, when lockdown ends, you could maybe try and meet someone the old-fashioned way by going out to places where you might see some new faces.
Regardless, don’t worry if dating doesn’t appeal to you right now. Just let things happen naturally. Always make sure you’re taking care of yourself and doing what’s best for you.
How do you know when you love someone?
Alice: My friends and I were actually having a conversation about this a couple of months ago. We all had slightly different answers, but I think that the key link between all of our answers was trust.
Trust enables you to feel secure in a relationship. This security means that you can fully experience all the happiness that your relationship brings. It allows you to feel comfortable forging a closer bond with your partner. This bond should make you a better, happier version of yourself.
I think that you know that you love someone when you trust them completely; at that point, something shifts in a relationship’s dynamic so that it becomes a heightened version of what it was before.
Chloe: It’s worth remembering that love is an extreme emotion, and that you won’t fall in love with every partner you have. Recognising what love is not is just as important as recognising what love is.
I am very open to having a lad or boyfriend, but I just can’t seem to find someone who’s interested or maybe the confidence for me to be the one to make the move, any advice oh mighty one?
Alice: If you are sure that you want a relationship/boy, make sure you’re putting yourself out there to the best of your abilities. Right now – whilst distancing measures are in place – you should make full use of apps like Tinder and Bumble. When things become a bit more normal, grab a friend, and try going out to places you haven’t been before, like a new coffee shop, or park. You never know who you might meet. Dress so that you feel confident, and enjoy.
Chloe: Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to meet someone straight away. It can be hard to meet people sometimes, despite being open to these experiences. There are times when it just doesn’t happen. As cheesy as it may sound, if you are open to love, you will find it eventually – don’t worry!
Alice: If you do find someone you’re interested in, know your own worth and don’t feel scared to make the first move. For many, it is very attractive when a potential partner takes the initiative to reach out first.
Editorial Team: We want to stress that you must remember not to become blinded by wanting a relationship/boy. You should make sure that you are genuinely interested in anyone you meet/chat to, as there needs to be an organic attraction for the relationship to work.
We both wish you the best of luck!
Best ways to approach awkward topics with my boyfriend?
Editorial Team: We think that the best way is just to be direct. If you try and hint at whatever it is you want him to understand, then he likely either won’t get it – only annoying both of you – or will feel hurt that you don’t feel able to confide in him.
Obviously, whilst being direct, you should approach the subject with compassion and understanding.
If he isn’t compassionate and understanding in return, then you have a right to be hurt, and maybe you should think about what this means for your relationship as a whole. We believe that in a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t feel awkward around your boyfriend. There needs to be continuous open and honest communication between you both.